A post in which the freak vents

I realise that with my everlasting going on and on about my final I sound like I'm obsessed with grades, which is only partly true. Thing is, I have never failed on a paper or an exam. Never. Not in grade school, not in college, not since I started uni. And that's kinda setting the bar a bit high. I will fail on something, sooner or later, but the thought of handing this exam in knowing I haven't answered it all, knowing I've failed and will have to do the whole damn thing all over again... It's making me panic. And let me tell you, panicking really doesn't help when you're trying to overcome barriers and write something, anything, just to have something to hand in on Wednesday.

It feels extremely unnatural having my parents sit and tell me not to worry about it, that one failed exam doesn't mean the whole world is coming to an end, to just let it go and not care so much. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Parents telling you to get a grip and do some work?

I wish I could do as they say; I wish I knew how stop caring so much, but I don't - it doesn't lie in my nature to accept failure from myself. I couldn't tell you why it's so important to me to pass something I don't care about, something I'm not going to continue with, or that will have any impact on my future studies after this spring whatsoever. I don't know why; it just is. The worst that can happen - or so the parents say - is that I won't qualify for study allowances for the rest of the year, which is bad enough for me not to want it to happen.

It's taking over everything. I've been walking around with a big lump in my throat for the last few days, unable to think about anything else. Even last night, after four glasses of wine, it was still there in the back of my head. For the first time in my life, if nothing extraordinary happens in the next couple of days, I'm going to have to hand something in which isn't finished and isn't acceptable. Doesn't sound like a big deal, does it? But it sure feels like it.