Once in a while

First day of the new course today, and I'm totally loving our new mentor. He looks like Santa, except he's got a moustache instead of a beard, and he's continually sporting that he knows basically every one of the authors who've written our coursebooks.

'There's this book, written by X... Terrific bloke, good friend of mine. And then we have this book, written by Y... Fantastic woman, known her a long time, excellent teacher. Oh, and this book, written by, well, by me. Buy it through me and you'll get it cheaper. And I'll sign it, for free!'

This module is called 'Barns och ungas textvärldar', and if I were really mean I wouldn't even translate that for you... But seeing as I'm not, it's a litterature course, focused on children's litterature. So, Santa brought a bunch of paperback copies of some of the books that we'll be reading, for us to buy today if we wanted. Barely 50 p per book. I'm not joking. There was a stampede to get to them. And of course, there was one book he said we would definitely need to read and seems to be quite hard to get hold of, and which he only had three copies of. At this point, people started throwing suspicious looks around the classroom, eyeing one and other warningly, daring the person next to them to make a run for a copy.

In the end, it was decided that we would have a lottery - we all wrote our names on little pieces of paper, handed them in and and Santa pulled the names out.
I got a copy. And I never, ever win the lottery! So there you have it; every once in a while even the most unlucky person in the world will win something. It's just a bit sad I would win a paperback copy of a coursebook at school, and not a million dollars or a trip to Australia on the real lottery.

I realised today everyone in my base group (edited because I hate, and I'm using the word hate here, making mistakes) passed on the paper. That's kinda cool, especially considering that in another, only two out of six passed. We must've done a decent job when going over everyone's drafts.
The final exam is still another story, but at least I don't seem to be the only one who's certain of failing, and this is the last time I will mention it on this blog until I get it back. You'll probably have to wipe my tears when it's time, but until that day comes... 'Bort, fördömda fläck, bort!'

I was a good girl today and went swimming. I lurve swimming. I don't lurve looking at myself in a bikini, though.
Now, I'm going to go and pay my fine at the library. And don't look at me like that, I meant to go yesterday but they were closed! I don't mind confrontations in the least.
Huh, even I didn't believe myself on that one.

On a final note, Milo Ventimiglia is hot. That is all.

It's amazing what power a teacher has over you

So, yesterday was the last day of this course. We evaluated, vented, and, we got our papers back - oh, you know the one, the paper I was agonising about a few weeks ago. But before handing them out, our teacher did what every teacher has to do before doing such things as giving out results. I am of course referring to scaring the shit out of the students by talking about what will happen for those who haven't passed.
She starts out by telling us not to get depressed if there was a U (for failed) on the front page, because a lot of people had failed.
Gulp. Cue every person in the classroom throwing panicked looks around the room.
She continues by saying that the reasons for not passing had been either not answering the questions at issue in a proper way, or, having written a 'sort of crappy analysis'. Yes, those were the words she used. In Swedish, but it's still accurate.
Gulp again. Cue me (and probably everyone else) thinking 'Was my analysis sort of crappy? What did I write? Was it crappy?'
The moment of truth arrived. She called my name, I went up and got my paper, looked at it... And see? That little curlicue on the top of the page?


'G' for 'Godkänd'! I passed! I could dance.
But I won't, because I look ridiculous dancing.


Today, I went to the bookstore and successfully returned the two incredibly expensive books I bought for when writing my exam - being careful when reading them paid off. Literally. Now I can use that money to pay the fine for the delayed library books that are still sitting on my desk. Money in, money out.
Of course, I'll probably have to buy the books again for when I have to write the whole thing one more time. And then return them. Again.

'Spring - a time for love, a time for two...

... A time when lovers start to coo - spring can lick me!'
You gotta love the Bare.

When I left home for my seminar this afternoon it suddenly occurred to me that I have been living in my own private exam world in front of the computer this past week. I don't think I've actually left the house at all since last Wednesday, except for the brief visit to my aunt on Saturday night. So, when I got out this afternoon, you can imagine my chock to see that almost all the snow had melted. It was practically gone! I wanted to do a backflip, but realised before I attempted it that it would most probably both look silly and end in tears and/or embarrassment, so I contained myself.

But I could see the grass, and the sun was out, and I could fold down the collar on my jacket without freezing... It was spring. Seriously. And you know what that means? Spring clothes/shoes/bag shopping! Or, for the skint people who are trying to save money, window shopping! Not as much fun, true, but still better than nothing.

I saw two little girls outside the shopping centre on my way to the train station today. I think they were collecting money for something. But they may also have been trying to scare people away, because they were rattling what little money they had in their collecting boxes so loudly no one wanted to go near them. I felt like throwing them a tenner for the promise of going away, but seeing as I was in fact going away they might have followed me and the tenner would have been good for nothing, so I decided to leave them along with the people who were bleeding from their ears.

Now, I'm going to print out this friggin' exam, not look at it until I'm going to put it in my mentor's hand tomorrow, and then try and put it out of my head until I get the result back. I'm still positive I'm failing it, but seeing as there is absolutely nothing more I can do about it, I have decided to at least try and accept it - yes, Logan, there they are; the horrible words accept failure. ;)

So, in all, right now I'm feeling okay.
I'll feel better when I have a little candybar. *snort* (did you watch the RENT video blogs?)

It's not raining men, but still

So, today it's raining, and that makes me happy. I never thought that rain would make me feel happy, but right now I'm just glad it's not snowing. Rain melts snow. I want snow gone. Hence, rain good.

I have rambled on for three and a half pages on my final, and only need one more page before I can let it go. I can actually deal with not passing it, if only I have something to hand in. My father actually bet me that I'm going to pass it. 500 sek, although he warned me not to fail on purpose just so as to get the money. 'Fail on purpose'? Does he know me at all? I'll be happy to lose the money if it means I won't have to do this exam again.

My grandparents are going to London in August, to celebrate my granny's birthday, and asked me if I'd like to go as well. Would I?! I'm on a very tight budget until Barcelona in June, which means no London during the spring. Getting to go in August - that is if I have any money left - would be a suitable reward, don't you think?

The new intel core iBook, as opposed to the more expensive MacBook Pro should, be out in the summer... Anyone feel like buying me one? With a new iPod video while you're at it? No offers? It's not easy being a poor student and love technology.

Less than two weeks left until RENT. I'm crossing the days off in my calender.

A post in which the freak vents

I realise that with my everlasting going on and on about my final I sound like I'm obsessed with grades, which is only partly true. Thing is, I have never failed on a paper or an exam. Never. Not in grade school, not in college, not since I started uni. And that's kinda setting the bar a bit high. I will fail on something, sooner or later, but the thought of handing this exam in knowing I haven't answered it all, knowing I've failed and will have to do the whole damn thing all over again... It's making me panic. And let me tell you, panicking really doesn't help when you're trying to overcome barriers and write something, anything, just to have something to hand in on Wednesday.

It feels extremely unnatural having my parents sit and tell me not to worry about it, that one failed exam doesn't mean the whole world is coming to an end, to just let it go and not care so much. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Parents telling you to get a grip and do some work?

I wish I could do as they say; I wish I knew how stop caring so much, but I don't - it doesn't lie in my nature to accept failure from myself. I couldn't tell you why it's so important to me to pass something I don't care about, something I'm not going to continue with, or that will have any impact on my future studies after this spring whatsoever. I don't know why; it just is. The worst that can happen - or so the parents say - is that I won't qualify for study allowances for the rest of the year, which is bad enough for me not to want it to happen.

It's taking over everything. I've been walking around with a big lump in my throat for the last few days, unable to think about anything else. Even last night, after four glasses of wine, it was still there in the back of my head. For the first time in my life, if nothing extraordinary happens in the next couple of days, I'm going to have to hand something in which isn't finished and isn't acceptable. Doesn't sound like a big deal, does it? But it sure feels like it.

Now there's something I didn't know...

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock. A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything. No wonder you and London will get along so well.

What City Do You Belong In?

Surprise, surprise!

I'm not even close to getting what HTML is all about, but this is at least a start.

This I'm posting for my Swedish (-speaking) readers... Listening to the song I suddenly realised the lyrics put my reasons for not believing in God in a nutshell.

Du som styr i himlen
och härskar natt och dag
Du som styr på jorden
och över land och hav
Du som är i stormen
och i blommans minsta frö
Gud, hur kan du
låta barnen dö?
- Mikael Wiehe, "Gud"

His music might not be what I normally like listening to, but some of his lyrics are painfully accurate.

Catching up

So, the last month has been chaos. I had a bad patch which wasn't helped by everything going on.
To get you updated:

I'm going to study linguistics from this fall and onwards, getting a master's degree. That is if I get in, which I'm very much hoping.

A close friend of the family has been really, really ill and is only just starting to recover. I *think* the immediate crisis is over. At least I hope so, the past two weeks have been fucking horrible. Jumping every time the phone rings, worrying when it doesn't ring... If you have any well-wishes to spare, please send them to Sweden.

I'm no longer red-haired, but a sort of brownish with blond highlights. Not too bad at all. Although I still don't like the friggin' fringe she gave me.

I saw the series finale of Dawson's Creek, and yes, I know I'm behind. The show used to be one of my guilty pleasures when it was on, but I think it finished over here while I was still in London and so I never saw the last season.
Damn, but it was sad. I like Jen. Pacey was as cute as ever. And Joey did end up with the guy I knew she was meant for.

"Say Goodnight, Not Goodbye" is totally my favourite song of the moment.

Melanie and I are booked for Barcelona this summer as well; we even got the same apartment as last year (yay!). And we've sworn that we will take studies less seriously this year, and instead make more time for partying. I like our plan.

The home exam is already taking its toll... I started dreaming about it three days before it was even handed out - well, actually that is a story in itself. I was watching Bare the night before, and suddenly I'm dreaming that our exam consists of writing a five page paper on what it means to be gay. How my mind managed to make that connection, I don't know...

Anyway, it's no better now. I keep dreaming that my computer shuts down and that all I've written suddenly is lost.
So far I've finished three questions, with two to go. And they are the massive ones - eight pages together. And the worst thing is that one of them isn't even a question. It basically just says we are to show that we've understood the social psychology by analysing a text and in some unexplicable way apply all that we've learned on it.

Six weeks left until our next work experience period and I'm already dreading it. I'm dreaming about that, too.
Thank god I'm dropping out.

Sign of life.

Just wanted to pop in and show I'm still alive. Not really up to blogging again yet, though.

My heart is thumping like mad, and it gets worse every time the phone rings.